At my age I feel I can say and do just about anything.  I have come to see that that is totally wrong.  People's feelings must be considered, unless they show no care about other's feelings.

I have many young and wise friends.  I watch and listen to them.  I also listen to my clients, that is, I listen to their unsaid words.  Although I will soon be 70, I find I have a lot to learn and since I am going to live to be a healthy and hearty 102 years I feel I must do some changing or those years won't be so wonderful.

I sometimes think my wisdom is so great that it must be spread...not a true fact.  I am realizing that I butt into my eldest and middle child's life more that I should.  I hope that one day in the not to distant future they will forgive me for that mistake.

As for the future of this blog, well, it will be a combination of the stories I started, dreams, life and anything else that comes along.

To a very bright and enlightening future!

Dream

I and a friend went to Boulder, now this Boulder is a dream and in no way like the real Boulder, although it is just as weird as the real Boulder can be. We went in to a house that was small and older, very charming and warm.  We went into the living room and a man greeted us.  He was about my age and small framed.  My friend had brought her large dog and the man was very happy to see the dog.  We sat and talked for a while.  The dog wandered about the house and came in and sat with us.

The house was built around the 1800's so the windows were long and narrow and the rooms were small, even so it was warm and comfortable.

The man handed me and my friend each a large silk scarf.  My friend took off her blouse and slacks and wrapped it around her like a sarong.  I was uncomfortable but did as my friend.  The silk was dyed in various colors but the pattern was not tie died.  The colors were warm autumn and spring colors.

We walked around Boulder and he introduced us to several people.  We sat with these people in a store full of merchandise but we didn't look at the merchandise.  We were deep in conversation but I cannot remember what it was about.  The people told us they hoped they would see us again.  We left and the man went back to his house and we went back to my house.

The next day I went back to see him and he was glad to see me.  I had brought my dog, a small rat terrier, and the man was unsure about the dog.  I assured him the dog had manners.  The dog got down and walked around the area where we sat.  He came back to me and whined.  The man got very upset with the dog and said I would have to leave and not to bring the dog back.  I said the dog had done nothing wrong and he said if he couldn't act like my neighbor's dog he was unwelcome.  I was hurt and couldn't figure out what my dog could have done wrong.  I left.

I had a bicycle with a basket on on the front, I put the dog in the basket and we left Boulder.  I took a country road to calm myself.  The dog lay in the basket quietly.  The road became harder to travel and there were cars.  I got to the side of the road to stay out of their way.  I finally had to walk the bicycle.  At one point the dog jumped out of the basket and ran in to the woods.  I lay the bicycle down and followed him.  In front of me about an 100 yards was a large rushing river.  The water was brown and running very fast.  The dog had stopped at the banks and was wagging his tail but went no further.  He looked up at me and then sat down.  I was mesmerized and couldn't tear myself away from the river.  I wanted to stay there forever.  The whole scene was very unreal.  I heard a man clearing his throat and turned to see him standing by the road with my bicycle.  He asked if I needed help.  It was very hard to look away from the scene much less move away from it but I finally did.  I told the man I was alright and took the bicycle from him.  The dog jumped into the basket and we continued up the road.

Later in the day, I was in my car headed home with my children.  They were young, about 10, 8 and 7.  I pulled in to the garage and noticed as I was doing so that the lights were on.  One of the children said we probably forgot to turn the lights off and jumped out of the car to go in.  I stopped them and said that the lights were off when we left because we had left in the afternoon and had no need for lights.  About that time my neighbors came out of the house with another couple and they were all happy.  I asked what was going on and my neighbor said she and her husband had been showing the couple my house and she handed me my house key.  They went home.  I tried to remember giving my house key to the neighbor but I knew I hadn't given anyone a key to my house.  The kids went inside and I followed.

I'm in a quest to find myself.  No, not the person people think I am, not even the person I have been in the past.  I am in search of who I "really" am and who I want to be, hopefully they will be the same.

I am fire, I say this because when I get excited about something (whether in anger or real excitement) I send out flares that ignite others.  I am water because I flow from how one person sees me to how another sees me.  I am air in that I don't really do anything that I want to.  I would love to say I am earth but I am not very grounded...yet.  Last, I am magic as all of us are.  I am just discovering this part of me and it is hard to believe that of me.  When I was younger I could make things happen, now not so much.  True, life had a part in the destruction but I did as well.  I became way to serious and lost my laughter and joy.  Oh I laugh when I am with friends and it is sincere but as far as laughing when I am alone, forget it.  I quit singing as well.  When I quit laughing and singing I quit my art.  As I worked on my jewelry the singing and laughing drifted further and further away.  I still want to work in jewelry but I want it to be fun.

As I look at what I have just written I am realizing where my problems lay...not with others but with my outlook on life...it has become life and death, which is how I feel.  I must change that so that I can enjoy what I have and when it comes down to it I have a lot.  No, not money.  I have good friends, a very nice place to stay, a good car, a decent salary and to top it all off, I have very good health for someone of my age.  My eyes are still good, my teeth not so much, but everything else is in good working order.  I am spreading out, part of aging, and I am doing my best to deal with that.  When I look at my grandparents and my parents, I have far more than they did.  I may not have all that I want but I can get there.

What do I want?  I want a vegetable and herb garden so that I know what I am eating.  I want chickens for the eggs and the wonderful clucking they do.  My deepest want, and one I probably won't be able to get at my age, is dirt, about 5 or more acres.  Add to that a mule, barn cats, outside dogs, a cow or two, a goat and maybe a horse.  I know, that last part is surprising.

Aside from that I want to take Flamingo lessons, start painting again, finish my stories, use up all my gems in jewelry, take dulcimer lessons, piano and guitar lessons.  Also, volunteer at the Humane Society and riding therapy place here in Longmont.

Anyway, searching for the true me is a work in progress and I have started.

Later

My friend, Soltahr Tiv-Amanda, is on a quest of sorts.  Actually, she is on a journey and it is taking her in directions she never expected.  Why do I bring this up?  Because if I could I would join her, but I can't and it is not my journey to take.

My journey?  To rid myself of anger; to be quiet and listen; to learn from everyone and everything around me.  Sounds simple right?  Think again.  In this world there are many things to make you very angry and to re-kindle the anger you (I) already have.  The solution?  Deep cleansing breaths.  It works...to a point.  At that point I need to take over.  I had thought of changing my first name to  Selkie but no longer.  I can become "Selkie" without changing my name and that is my goal for 2013.  Wish me luck