I'm in a quest to find myself.  No, not the person people think I am, not even the person I have been in the past.  I am in search of who I "really" am and who I want to be, hopefully they will be the same.

I am fire, I say this because when I get excited about something (whether in anger or real excitement) I send out flares that ignite others.  I am water because I flow from how one person sees me to how another sees me.  I am air in that I don't really do anything that I want to.  I would love to say I am earth but I am not very grounded...yet.  Last, I am magic as all of us are.  I am just discovering this part of me and it is hard to believe that of me.  When I was younger I could make things happen, now not so much.  True, life had a part in the destruction but I did as well.  I became way to serious and lost my laughter and joy.  Oh I laugh when I am with friends and it is sincere but as far as laughing when I am alone, forget it.  I quit singing as well.  When I quit laughing and singing I quit my art.  As I worked on my jewelry the singing and laughing drifted further and further away.  I still want to work in jewelry but I want it to be fun.

As I look at what I have just written I am realizing where my problems lay...not with others but with my outlook on life...it has become life and death, which is how I feel.  I must change that so that I can enjoy what I have and when it comes down to it I have a lot.  No, not money.  I have good friends, a very nice place to stay, a good car, a decent salary and to top it all off, I have very good health for someone of my age.  My eyes are still good, my teeth not so much, but everything else is in good working order.  I am spreading out, part of aging, and I am doing my best to deal with that.  When I look at my grandparents and my parents, I have far more than they did.  I may not have all that I want but I can get there.

What do I want?  I want a vegetable and herb garden so that I know what I am eating.  I want chickens for the eggs and the wonderful clucking they do.  My deepest want, and one I probably won't be able to get at my age, is dirt, about 5 or more acres.  Add to that a mule, barn cats, outside dogs, a cow or two, a goat and maybe a horse.  I know, that last part is surprising.

Aside from that I want to take Flamingo lessons, start painting again, finish my stories, use up all my gems in jewelry, take dulcimer lessons, piano and guitar lessons.  Also, volunteer at the Humane Society and riding therapy place here in Longmont.

Anyway, searching for the true me is a work in progress and I have started.

Later