Last night and today

Couldn't sleep too well last but some decision were made that I'm not too happy about.  One, I'm going to have to work until the day I die.  Two, I probably won't be able to travel to all the places I would like to.  Three, I won't be able to own a place and there is some doubt that I will be able to rent a place for very long...after that, who knows.

Today...I'm still going.  Sitting on the balcony and admiring the long leaves, brownish grey bark and the thickness of the trees and all of that against a beautiful blue summer sky.  Even with all the loud traffic, it is peaceful to look at and admire.

I have Pandora on random and I have quite a lot of variety and still have some missing.

Well, enough goofing off, time to get back to work.

Now what?

Every time I settle down and think things are running smoothly I end up with a sleepless night that tells me I am living in a fantasy world and need to live in reality.
When I moved into this apartment I intended to stay one year and only one year because of the high rent.  Jake moved out in September of that first year and I used some of the money I had planned to use for first and last on an apartment for myself on his move.  Then the car needed work.  All of that did away with any monies I needed for first and last, moving and breaking the lease.  Working for $9.00 wasn't getting me anywhere other than a lot of wear and tear on the car.  Unfortunately, working for Kelly SCORE doesn't last very long and although the money is good and the trip to work is short...well it's not good.  Trying to get a job as a Care Giver for $15 to $20 per hour isn't working out either.  As of this point in time I am behind in rent, can't pay utilities and can't afford gasoline.  I am trying to sell my gems and other things but people don't want to pay what they are worth and I'll be lucky to get anything at all.  Right now I am numb, I can't feel anything.  I should be feeling fear, frustration, anything but there is no feeling.  I am just trying to think of anything and my mind is numb.  I hope this ends soon because I'm  not real sure how much longer I will be able to stay sane.