Here goes...

I'm poor, no, not as poor as a Church Mouse, but poor.  I did it to myself.  I'm on Welfare and I work but still don't make enough money.  I'm in an apartment that I really can't afford, but then again, I can't afford to move out either.  I put myself in this situation, not on purpose, but I don't have anyone else but me to blame.  My brain has gone to mush trying to figure out how to get out of this mess.  Having a mushy brain does not help in thinking a situation through to the end.  My body is turning against me, or so it seems.  There don't seem to be that many foods I can eat without my body either trying to choke me to death or everything I just ate gets thrown out of my body at either end, sometimes both.  I'm a whiner because I've always been healthy and don't know how to handle this.

 Oh well, I need to get my act together and I'm going to, just not sure how to go about it, but I will get there.  I have to call the Lapidary club in Longmont to see if I can get rid of the stones I have since I'm not going to be able to afford the materials I need to make jewelry.

What I need is my stubbornness back!  I have to make myself exercise and now I will make myself do art, write, and look for the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'll get there, I promise.  The only drawback to that is that I keep promises to others but never to myself.  Change sucks!

And it just keeps going

I have a very deep longing to go somewhere, preferably the Scottish Highlands, and hide from absolutely everything.  No, I'm not joking.

Monday I nearly lost it with a client because we were talking politics and she brought up that no one followed the Constitution as far as a Presidents qualifications because Obama got elected and he wasn't a citizen.  I tried to stay calm but she laughed and said she thought I checked things out to see if they were true or not.  I walked out to the garage, closed the house door and tried to get myself together.  When I was calm, I walked in and apologized.  She said she was sorry that she didn't realize what a dedicated Democrat I was.   I told her that I belong to no party and vote the way I please.  I said I shouldn't have gotten so upset.  When I got home, it took seven and a half hours for me to calm down so that I wouldn't quit my job or commit suicide.

I have fooled myself into thinking that I am tolerant...I'm not.  These elections are scaring the crap out of me.  People are scaring me, they don't think things through.  Don't get the idea that I do, I try but don't always accomplish it.

It gives me some sort of weird satisfaction that the Republican Party is afraid Trump will win.  Why didn't they make some sort of plan for this situation?  People are angry, who knows why, but they are.  Trump sounds off and they like that because they feel they can't.  True, most of the shouting is racist and true, most of those who like him are racist as well.  Is there any way of brainwashing people so that they can accept people of color as humans?  The only thing I can see good about Trump winning is that we will ALL pull together to either get out of the country or to get rid of him.  He will be a dictator far greater than Putin (someone he admires).  As my Jewish clients say, he is Hitler incarnate!

Another thing that has me upset is our education system.  What are they teaching these days?  College students were asked about the Civil War.  Some thought it happened in 1970 or the '60's.  They didn't know who fought in it or who won.  They didn't even know the Vice Presidents name!  These kids are going to be in control of our country (if we have one left) one day!

I think I have it all out of my system now.  It would be so nice to have a horse and go for a ride in the country, enjoy the wind, the smells and the feel of the saddle between my legs.  Oh well, that's what I have an imagination for.

The other day I found out more about myself.  A client who is a Republican said something to the effect that since Obama had been elected that it didn't matter whether you were a U.S. citizen or not and that he had spent time with his father in the country of his father's origin.  When I tried to tell her that all of that was nonsense, she laughed and said that I would believe anything anyone said and didn't have a clue as to what truth was.  I got so angry that I excused myself and went to the garage to calm down.  When I went back in I apologized for getting so angry and she apologized as well.  She is a racist and I have known it for a long time, but somehow never expected this.  On the way home I felt I was under control again.  I wasn't.  I went spiraling downward in a deep funk for seven hours and just wanted to die, literally.  I thought about saying I no longer wanted to work with this client, but decided against that.  I thought about quitting my job, but I can't afford to do that either.  I know I can't afford to let things like this get to me.  Everyone has a right to be who they are.  I love this client and should be able to overlook this, but somehow I can't.  I am not as tolerant as I thought I was and that is a disappointment.

I truly am afraid of what lies ahead for this country.  I don't want to vote for Hillary because she lies about what she will do for all of us.  Why do I say that?  Because she never brought up anything in her campaign about low wages, affordable college education, corruption of large banks...all the things Bernie stands for and touts.  She claims things that, if you check out, are untrue.  As for Trump, that is very clear, he will be a dictator that we will never get rid of and most people will be hounded, driven out of the U.S. or left to die.  I'm not exaggerating about this.  I have two women, both Jews, who lived through Hitler's regime in Europe and both say he is Hitler incarnate.

So, with all of this going on, I have lost interest in art, writing and jewelry.  I have got to get on track and get my life going.  If I don't I know what will happen and I'm not ready to die.