Last night and today

Couldn't sleep too well last but some decision were made that I'm not too happy about.  One, I'm going to have to work until the day I die.  Two, I probably won't be able to travel to all the places I would like to.  Three, I won't be able to own a place and there is some doubt that I will be able to rent a place for very long...after that, who knows.

Today...I'm still going.  Sitting on the balcony and admiring the long leaves, brownish grey bark and the thickness of the trees and all of that against a beautiful blue summer sky.  Even with all the loud traffic, it is peaceful to look at and admire.

I have Pandora on random and I have quite a lot of variety and still have some missing.

Well, enough goofing off, time to get back to work.

Now what?

Every time I settle down and think things are running smoothly I end up with a sleepless night that tells me I am living in a fantasy world and need to live in reality.
When I moved into this apartment I intended to stay one year and only one year because of the high rent.  Jake moved out in September of that first year and I used some of the money I had planned to use for first and last on an apartment for myself on his move.  Then the car needed work.  All of that did away with any monies I needed for first and last, moving and breaking the lease.  Working for $9.00 wasn't getting me anywhere other than a lot of wear and tear on the car.  Unfortunately, working for Kelly SCORE doesn't last very long and although the money is good and the trip to work is short...well it's not good.  Trying to get a job as a Care Giver for $15 to $20 per hour isn't working out either.  As of this point in time I am behind in rent, can't pay utilities and can't afford gasoline.  I am trying to sell my gems and other things but people don't want to pay what they are worth and I'll be lucky to get anything at all.  Right now I am numb, I can't feel anything.  I should be feeling fear, frustration, anything but there is no feeling.  I am just trying to think of anything and my mind is numb.  I hope this ends soon because I'm  not real sure how much longer I will be able to stay sane.

My curse to an inhuman

Mason was just beginning to know who he was, just starting and had a long way to go. Someone who was much larger, much stronger and should have known better shook him enough to cause damage to his brain. He had no defense and could make no sense of it. To the person I believe did this...I put this on you. You will never know peace, you will always feel like someone is watching you. You will become afraid and never know why. You will find yourself whimpering for no apparent reason. You will hear Mason's baby laugh and his crying in your dreams and throughout the rest of your life. You will be haunted by what you did to this very young life for as long as you live. This will happen even if Mason is able to survive. You will be afraid to be in the same room that he is in. If you were not responsible, then the above is null and void, ONLY if you were not responsible.

Oh yes, any time you think of abusing a woman or putting her in a position where you can abuse her and make her believe it is all her fault; every time you don't allow her to be with her male friends; every time you try to make sure she can no longer be with her friends and family; every time you flirt in front of her, make dates in front of her or do anything that makes her feel inferior...you will feel eyes watching you, the hair on the back of your neck will raise, you will begin to have doubts about yourself and your sanity.

There is nothing I would like more than to be able to tie you up in a tree by your thumbs, attach a string to your large toes and put stakes in the ground so as to stretch your body beyond any pain you could possibly survive. THAT is what I would like to do, but I can't. So, you are going to live with what I put on you in the first paragraph. You are the scum of the earth, you don't deserve to live. You...there are no words for you.

What I put on you will never be taken away.

What now?

SCORE is a good paying job, but because of my lack of a Bachelors Degree, the jobs don't last long.  I have been looking at home jobs and they all require that I have a higher level of education or that I spend more money than I have on equipment to do the jobs they have.

This apartment is wonderful with bright light, trees, a small stream, and pastures, but...it is becoming uncomfortable.  No matter how I arrange things it just doesn't feel like "home".   It's time to move but I don't have a first and last, nor do I have $300 to break the lease AND I don't have the money for movers.  Renting a truck and getting people to help me runs a little more than what movers cost.  Add to that the fact that I am on the third floor and I would like to keep the friends I have.

I looked into an LLC and the costs...not bad, just don't have it right now.  Then there is the fact that I need to know how much to take out for taxes and my salary.  I really wish I had had the guts to stand up to Harry, told him to go to hell, and continued getting a college education.  Who am I kidding, he wasn't the main reason I didn't finish...I was getting scared and I didn't know what kind of major I wanted.

Enough!

Watch out

I am home today, not because of the snow but because psychologically I couldn't make myself go to my client today.  She is a wonderful lady.  She has had a life of leisure and has no idea how other people who have not had what she has live, and she does not want to know.  She hates unions because they took her away from friends and family in Kansas and she had to move to Boulder, which she hates.  She is a Republican and tries to convince me that she is right and I am wrong, especially being a "bleeding heart Liberal", which is something she can't tolerate.

Out of all of the above, I am finding that she and I have some things in common.  I have, I am ashamed to say, not been tolerant of people who are blind to what is going on and believe lies (something they can check on and won't) told to them by those in authority.  I have very little tolerance of racism and she is very racist.  She tries to be a kind, really.  I guess it was the way she was raised and she is perfectly happy with it.  She is in her 80's and looks much younger, sometimes it makes me jealous, but not THAT jealous.

Anyway, today I realized that I really am in control of my life and I need to do something about what is going on.  I didn't go into work because of bowel problems, later I realized I was putting pressure on my body in that area and caused the problem myself.  As far as not wanting to go to the client I can change that as well.  I'm not sure I have made much sense so far, oh well.

I made a decision yesterday to sell my washer and dryer as well as most of my furniture.  It is very scary for me but strangely I feel relieved.  I hope it works out.  I am also looking to see if I can find something to do at home, something I have looked at before and maybe, this time, it will work out.  I want to draw and paint, so I need to make myself do it.  I can do what needs to be done, it's just a matter of making myself do it.  I can tolerate this client as well because I am not going to be with her much longer.  What is bad is she thinks she is my friend.

I guess I covered everything.

Here goes...

I'm poor, no, not as poor as a Church Mouse, but poor.  I did it to myself.  I'm on Welfare and I work but still don't make enough money.  I'm in an apartment that I really can't afford, but then again, I can't afford to move out either.  I put myself in this situation, not on purpose, but I don't have anyone else but me to blame.  My brain has gone to mush trying to figure out how to get out of this mess.  Having a mushy brain does not help in thinking a situation through to the end.  My body is turning against me, or so it seems.  There don't seem to be that many foods I can eat without my body either trying to choke me to death or everything I just ate gets thrown out of my body at either end, sometimes both.  I'm a whiner because I've always been healthy and don't know how to handle this.

 Oh well, I need to get my act together and I'm going to, just not sure how to go about it, but I will get there.  I have to call the Lapidary club in Longmont to see if I can get rid of the stones I have since I'm not going to be able to afford the materials I need to make jewelry.

What I need is my stubbornness back!  I have to make myself exercise and now I will make myself do art, write, and look for the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'll get there, I promise.  The only drawback to that is that I keep promises to others but never to myself.  Change sucks!

And it just keeps going

I have a very deep longing to go somewhere, preferably the Scottish Highlands, and hide from absolutely everything.  No, I'm not joking.

Monday I nearly lost it with a client because we were talking politics and she brought up that no one followed the Constitution as far as a Presidents qualifications because Obama got elected and he wasn't a citizen.  I tried to stay calm but she laughed and said she thought I checked things out to see if they were true or not.  I walked out to the garage, closed the house door and tried to get myself together.  When I was calm, I walked in and apologized.  She said she was sorry that she didn't realize what a dedicated Democrat I was.   I told her that I belong to no party and vote the way I please.  I said I shouldn't have gotten so upset.  When I got home, it took seven and a half hours for me to calm down so that I wouldn't quit my job or commit suicide.

I have fooled myself into thinking that I am tolerant...I'm not.  These elections are scaring the crap out of me.  People are scaring me, they don't think things through.  Don't get the idea that I do, I try but don't always accomplish it.

It gives me some sort of weird satisfaction that the Republican Party is afraid Trump will win.  Why didn't they make some sort of plan for this situation?  People are angry, who knows why, but they are.  Trump sounds off and they like that because they feel they can't.  True, most of the shouting is racist and true, most of those who like him are racist as well.  Is there any way of brainwashing people so that they can accept people of color as humans?  The only thing I can see good about Trump winning is that we will ALL pull together to either get out of the country or to get rid of him.  He will be a dictator far greater than Putin (someone he admires).  As my Jewish clients say, he is Hitler incarnate!

Another thing that has me upset is our education system.  What are they teaching these days?  College students were asked about the Civil War.  Some thought it happened in 1970 or the '60's.  They didn't know who fought in it or who won.  They didn't even know the Vice Presidents name!  These kids are going to be in control of our country (if we have one left) one day!

I think I have it all out of my system now.  It would be so nice to have a horse and go for a ride in the country, enjoy the wind, the smells and the feel of the saddle between my legs.  Oh well, that's what I have an imagination for.

The other day I found out more about myself.  A client who is a Republican said something to the effect that since Obama had been elected that it didn't matter whether you were a U.S. citizen or not and that he had spent time with his father in the country of his father's origin.  When I tried to tell her that all of that was nonsense, she laughed and said that I would believe anything anyone said and didn't have a clue as to what truth was.  I got so angry that I excused myself and went to the garage to calm down.  When I went back in I apologized for getting so angry and she apologized as well.  She is a racist and I have known it for a long time, but somehow never expected this.  On the way home I felt I was under control again.  I wasn't.  I went spiraling downward in a deep funk for seven hours and just wanted to die, literally.  I thought about saying I no longer wanted to work with this client, but decided against that.  I thought about quitting my job, but I can't afford to do that either.  I know I can't afford to let things like this get to me.  Everyone has a right to be who they are.  I love this client and should be able to overlook this, but somehow I can't.  I am not as tolerant as I thought I was and that is a disappointment.

I truly am afraid of what lies ahead for this country.  I don't want to vote for Hillary because she lies about what she will do for all of us.  Why do I say that?  Because she never brought up anything in her campaign about low wages, affordable college education, corruption of large banks...all the things Bernie stands for and touts.  She claims things that, if you check out, are untrue.  As for Trump, that is very clear, he will be a dictator that we will never get rid of and most people will be hounded, driven out of the U.S. or left to die.  I'm not exaggerating about this.  I have two women, both Jews, who lived through Hitler's regime in Europe and both say he is Hitler incarnate.

So, with all of this going on, I have lost interest in art, writing and jewelry.  I have got to get on track and get my life going.  If I don't I know what will happen and I'm not ready to die.

My journey to regaining my freedom

I am trying to figure out just when I lost my freedom.  When I was young, I had loads of courage.  I seemed to be unafraid of anything.  I was shy, but I would sing a solo in front of gradeschoolers who were older than me.  I would do impromptu plays in front of my mother and other mothers, dragging my friends along for the ride.  I could get my school friends who lived near me to give up one lunch a week so that we could combine our monies and buy one mother each month a gift.  I dreamed of doing things on a large scale, I had hope and I believed in me.  Now I need this and cannot find any of in within myself.

I used to like myself.  My human spirit soared.  Ideas abounded.  Enthusiasm knew no bounds.  I longed for change.  I had very definite ideas about how I believed a Christian should act and when I saw it wasn't always that way, I hung in there and kept how I felt to myself.

I am getting older, and although I am going to live a long life I am horrified to live it the way I am now.  I must, for my human spirit, find my other self.  I must be free.  To do that I need to understand how I got to this point.  From now on, this blog will be my way of investigating my life to find clues and to correct what was done to me or by me.